There have been a lot of articles written in the last two days about an event which occurred on Wednesday night. An event that was advertised as ‘a conversation exploring sex, love, relationships and marriage’ with three very prominent feminists and a surprise guest. An event which went awry when it was exposed to be a prank for an insipid television show.
Many journalists have expressed opinions as to who is to ‘blame’ for this huge misstep, citing quotes and videos taken from the social media accounts of audience members. But those journalists weren’t in that room.
I was. I had a front row seat to potentially one of the most uncomfortable talks I’ve ever attended (and I’ve attended a few).
It started out like any other panel discussion but quickly descended into stupidity as the man’s responses became more and more misogynistic. When the reactions of the panel members weren’t to eviscerate him on the spot, I started to suspect this was a stitch-up. But it never occurred to me it was for the profit of some mediocre white dudes and their prank-based TV series.
I’ve read what others have written, I’ve watched the clips on social media, I spoke to other attendees after the event, and I’ve seen the comments people are making online. I’ve spent two days considering whether I even want to add to the postmortem being carried out. Despite what occurred I still hold a great deal of respect for the three women present, each of whom has historically been subjected to some of the worst abuse you can imagine by online trolls, and the last thing I want to do is add fuel to that fire. I also don’t want to give extra attention to a man who doesn’t need or deserve it.
Because really, that night wasn’t about them – it was about the men and women who had taken time out of their week to see them. It’s about how this stunt made them feel.
I’ve seen some attendees comment that people have overreacted, that use of the word ‘traumatised’ to describe the evening is overly dramatic. While I wouldn’t say I’m traumatised by what occurred, I can appreciate that for some this may have been the case. I also don’t believe it is anyone’s right to tell others what they should and should not feel in response to a situation. Especially a situation as abnormal as the one we experienced. A situation in which we were instructed by the production company that we weren’t allowed to leave until it was over.
Imagine being a woman who has been sexually assaulted and hearing a man say “chicks dig consent” when asked his thoughts on the topic. Imagine working in a job where you are treated vastly different from your male colleagues, shown little respect, and paid far less, to then hear a man say that he doesn’t believe in pay equity. And before you all start with ‘but it was a joke!’ remember, at this point in the night, we didn’t know that, and more importantly – it’s not funny. It was only after an audience member asked the panel directly to explain what was happening that we were provided with an explanation. Had she not asked, would we even have been told?
There are very few spaces in our still largely white, male patriarchal society where women feel safe, where we feel seen and heard. Where we feel respected for having an opinion. Even fewer spaces where we feel we have any power. But this was meant to be one of them.
As a woman, I have to deal with men like this all the time. When I walk into a bar or a football game, any situation where I know I will be outnumbered by men, my guard is up, my defences are ready. Walking into the room that night I felt exposed. Why would I need any protection against three women I deeply admire and respect, whose entire careers have been based on speaking up on behalf of women and minority groups. I think this is why the deception hit so hard.
Yes, apparently the joke was meant to be putting this man in an uncomfortable situation, that the joke was on him. That, according to a source, “The idea of being on a panel with three strong, smart, opinionated women was his idea of hell.” (Sydney Morning Herald) Which is interesting given most woman’s idea of hell is being raped and murdered by men. Also, I have to wonder why he finds this so terrifying. Perhaps there was some truth behind the ‘humour.’
It’s never fun to feel like the butt of the joke, to be made to feel foolish and at the end of the day, regardless of intentions, that is largely what the audience, including myself, felt. I felt humiliated, confused, angry, disrespected and above all, disappointed. There was a breach of trust which I suspect, for some attendees, may be irreparable.
There was also a fear. A fear that this would be released online to the delight of misogynists everywhere who need no encouragement to abuse and berate women and particularly feminists. Women, none more so than these three panellists, work so hard to fight for equality and this felt like one giant step backwards. Mediocre men and ‘pick-me’ women everywhere will rejoice in this ‘take-down’ of feminists, with cries of ‘the best joke is you thought feminists had a sense of humour’. Because apparently misogyny and consent are hilarious.
In an ironic but in no way unexpected twist, the male comedian ran off the stage as quickly as possible while the three women were left to clean up the mess. While this was a situation created by all involved, it would have shown a lot of courage and respect for those in the room if the men responsible for this whole idea showed their faces instead of hiding with their production team in a greenroom.
I appreciate the genuine apologies from the three women. I appreciate that they stayed behind for an additional 30-40 minutes to engage the audience in the conversations they had expected to hear. I appreciate the real remorse and accountability these women took for their mistakes.
This doesn’t mean that I’m not disappointed or angry at them for their lack of judgement. But our society has a tendency to always expect more from women, to hold them to a higher standard than men. ‘She should have known better’ is a phrase many of us have heard, while ‘he was just having a laugh’ is used far to often to excuse men’s behaviour.
As I said at the start of this piece, I’m not here to lay blame – online trolls and mainstream media have that covered already – I want to highlight the actual experience of the people in that room, hold space for them and let them know – everything you are feeling is valid.
And one more thing, I emailed the production company behind the TV show to withdraw my consent to be filmed on the grounds of misrepresentation. Unsurprisingly the email bounced. Not only will the men involved in this come out unscathed, they will flourish.
