The iconic Melbourne identity “Chopper” is back reincarnated in the hilariously talented Heath Franklin. Heath will present his brand new show “Not Here To F*** Spiders” over two nights in Melbourne in November. This is Chopper’s triumphant return after a short break to focus on his ‘other’ life and come back fiestier than ever. We had a quick chat about the upcoming shows.
You’ve embarked on the “Not Here to F*** Spiders Tour”. Is this a hard and fast rule or is there an occasion that you could be tempted into intercourse with a particularly attractive one?
I’m nothing if not thorough so when I called the show what I did I decided to do some extensive research and the best result every time was having a mashed up spider on the end of your wang and the worst outcome was getting a spider bite on your johnson. Try getting a stranger to suck the poison out of that one.
Before the main tour you put “Chopper on Trial” to test out some material. Is there anything you thought was particularly good that didn’t make the grade?
It doesn’t matter if i think something is good, if audiences don’t like it I wrap it in a carpet and drive it out into the bush and hit it with a shovel until stops squealing.
Back in August we all read the headlines that a Chopper had crashed into a Cairns Hotel. Were there any repercussions from that and when will you be allowed back into that hotel chain?
That was just another case of me being accused of something I didn’t do. If I had to crash a helicopter into anything it would be that prison themed bar in Melbourne.They just have to ruin everything don’t they?
Have you considered trying out for the Olympics? Any sports that you’d consider or definitely not try? Pole Vaulting? Breakdancing?
The olympics is the fruit salad of sporting events. A bunch of crap like tinned pear that no one would consume by itself. If there is one thing I learned from the Olympics this year, it’s that having big dong is a serious impediment for pole vaulting.
You’re known for your taste in beer and the willingness to try new beers in each town you visit. Any standout favourites? Which state has the best beer? What is the worst beer? Why is a schooner in Adelaide a different size to the Eastern States?
There was a run of red beers western New South Wales that were amazing, People don’t make enough red beers (NOT that Coopers sparkling nonsense), maybe because it suits a cooler climate. As for schooners I guess you can do what you want with a beer named after a boat. Now Tasmania is where beer sizes get really weird…
Will you be visiting the Prison Themed restaurant in Melbourne while you’re there? Have they contacted you for advice on how to run it?
That place is cultural appropriation. I wish nothing but toilet wine and sodomy on those people.
Speaking of restaurants, why do cats get their own cafes? What other animals deserve a cafe more? Spiders? The Magpie, perhaps? Would that make them happier?
Cats don’t get their own cafes CAT PEOPLE get their own cafes because no one wants to talk to some demented gibbering sub just like no one wants some fluffy crap sack rubbing itself all over you while you eat eggs. Cyclists should also get their own cafes because I shouldn’t have to look at some guys junk through lycra while I drink my morning coffee. .
Do the people who sit in the front row of your shows need to wear plastic overcoats?
It’s not Sea World. There is no splash zone. I won’t be making an orca jump through a hoop or anything. Its just comedy, I don’t know why everyone is so scared of the front row. I usually pick on people hiding up the back.
Any advice for those who haven’t bought a ticket to a show yet?
Buy a ticket to the show or prepare to spend eternity wondering what might have been. I think kids call it FOMO because they don’t know that ‘regret’ is already a word.
E-scooters, UberEats, Bluey, vegans, cyclists – everything gets a serve in this award-nominated show. A genuine Aussie comedy icon, Heath Franklin been nominated for 2 ARIAs, a Logie, won the Comic’s Choice at the Melbourne Comedy Fest and sold more than half a million tickets worldwide. So, harden up and book now to join Chopper for the best night out in yonks.
HEATH FRANKLIN’S CHOPPER – NOT HERE TO F**K SPIDERS – AUSTRALIAN TOUR 2024 – RETURN TOUR
