Why do people get married? Why would a person willing choose to legally and financially bind themselves to another person, particularly in 2023? For love? Security? A great big party?
It’s this myth of marital happiness that author Clementine Ford will explore in I Don’t: The Case Against Marriage, due for release on the 31 October 2023. At the Sydney Writers’ Festival, we were given a sneak peek with a reading from the forthcoming book.
Women, from the time they are old enough to comprehend the fairy tales being read to them, are conditioned to believe that the greatest achievement of their lives is to get married and have children. This idea is reinforced through popular culture, family expectations and, particularly these days, social media. As Ford satirically put it, an unmarried woman is “a problem in urgent need of solving.”
It was fascinating to learn that while some marital “traditions” date back to historical customs, many are not particularly old and can be seen as a direct result of capitalism. Consider that historically a woman’s dowry was literally payment to a man to become his property – how romantic!
The dress Queen Victoria wore in 1840 to marry (her cousin) Albert started the movement towards white dresses and more lavish ceremonies. Prior to this, women couldn’t afford to spend so much money on one day and darker colours were seen as more practical for a wedding dress. Ford detailed how the real winner of a wedding these days is the economy, with 2.8 billion dollars being spent on wedding dresses globally. And with the average cost of a wedding in Australia sitting at around $36,000, it’s likely no surprise that 60% of couples take out a loan to cover the big day.
Victoria and Albert’s (somewhat tragic) love story also helped shift focus onto marrying for love, instead of economic stability. Strange to think that this was less than 200 years ago.
So, I’ll ask again – why do people get married? Perhaps it’s because it is the only time in a woman’s life where she is, as Ford puts it, “allowed” to be the centre of attention. At what other point do we encourage women to celebrate their achievements? Graduation, buying a property, a new job – none of these are heralded as important as being “chosen” by a man. And it’s truly sad to consider that the only thing women can publicly celebrate themselves for is being someone’s wife. But, Ford asks, “What if we made ourselves the ritual?”, encouraging women to celebrate themselves, to be “celebrated for who we are, not who we’re sleeping next to.”
Growing up, I, like so many other young girls, assumed that one day I would get married. I envisioned what that day would look like, what I’d wear, how happy I would be. I can’t pinpoint exactly when this changed but as I’ve gotten older (and, arguably, wiser) and, crucially, gotten to know myself better, I can’t imagine anything worse than being married. And if one more person tells me I just ‘haven’t met the right person’ (a notion I fundamentally don’t believe in), I’m going to flip a table. That’s not to criticise anyone who is or wants to get married, and it’s certainly not not to say I don’t believe in love; more that I just don’t think love and marriage necessarily go hand in hand. You can have one without the other.
That’s why it was so inspiring to hear Ford present a different way of thinking that is so rarely explored out loud. Reminding us that the longest relationship we will ever have is with ourselves, she comments, “you can be the great love you’re looking for if you raise your standards” – now that’s something worth celebrating.
Clementine Ford‘s I Don’t: The Case Against Marriage will be available from 31 October 2023.
For more information on the Sydney Writers’ Festival head to their website.
Writer attended the event on 26 May 2023.
