Let me be clear: I am the worst Dark Souls player in the world. I mean, I really struggle to get anywhere in those games. I wander and I flail and I die over and over and over. To say I felt some trepidation when I picked up From Software’s latest opus, Bloodborne, is no understatement. I knew full well that I had just paid $99 for my own repeated annihilation. Thus, I felt compelled to keep a diary of the experience. Here is how Bloodborne treated me in its first hour. Let us know over at @videaugames on Twitter if you’d like to hear more of my bungling adventures in Yharnam.
7:30pm
Disc inserted. Loading screen appears. I note that I am not dead yet. So far so good.
7:31pm
“Unable to detect your network.” Even the internet gets killed by Bloodborne.
7:32pm
Opening cinematic. “Yharnam” sounds like the noise my 70-year-old dad makes when he clears his throat, I think to myself.
7:35pm
Character creation. The default male character the game throws at me looks like Dracula as played by Mark Strong.
I change him to a her. She looks like Dracula as played by Sarah Connor as played by Cersei Lannister.
I finalise the character and am dropped into a dingy house full of Victorian architecture and windows that shine hopeful sunbeams upon me. I walk into the adjoining room and bump into a werewolf. The werewolf goggles at me for a moment, unable to figure out why I would do something quite so stupid before lunging at me. Having nothing with which to defend myself, I bail through the nearest door. My character takes so long to open this door that the werewolf bugs out and actually manages to barge through it before its even fully open. I emerge into a graveyard and dodge a few more of the werewolf’s attacks before falling back again through a wrought-iron gate. The wolf, again, gives chase and I charge up the steps towards what appears to be a friendly villager who might help me.
7:50pm
Murdered by friendly villager. (Death count: 1)
7:51pm
This was apparently supposed to happen because I wake up near a mansion that looks like it’s been constructed entirely out of tombstones. The Addams Family would have loved the shit out of this place, it’s like a Barbie Dreamhouse for goth kids. I rummage around and find malnourished floor ghouls who want to give me expensive things in spite of their selling the things for food being clearly the better option. I take a pistol and a cane and am happy to have them. I wander around the mansion grounds for a while, trying to figure out if there’s anywhere I can go. It takes me a full five minutes to figure out how to actually hold my weapons.
7:52pm
While I’m doing all of this, I become vaguely annoyed by the fact that my character isn’t wearing her suspenders properly, preferring to let them dangle from her hips like pointless lassos. Look, lady, either put them on properly or get rid of them because if you leave them like that they’ll get snagged on everything in sight. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but they’re really into spikes around here.
7:57pm
Finally figured out how to get back to the room I started in. Gun and cane in hand, I stride into the adjacent room and shoot the werewolf in what I felt to be a stern and authoritative manner. It eats me instantly, spilling what I feel to be an insulting, Tarantino-esque amount of my blood. (Death Count: 2)
8:00pm
I try again. This time, the wolf cheerfully toys with me for a minute before chowing down. (Death Count: 3)
8:01pm
I try again. I carefully place my gun inside the wolf’s arsehole and fire. The wolf registers its displeasure by swatting my head clean off. (Death Count: 4)
8:02pm
I try AGAIN, ready to finally drop the monster. I charge back into the room, line up my shot and pull the trigger. The gun clicks feebly, its ammunition spent. The wolf hears the click and attacks with the fury of a hurricane. We tear the room apart as I spend the next few minutes frantically attempting to prod the bastard to death with my cane.
8:10pm
To my own surprise as much as the wolf’s, I am successful.
8:11pm
I enter the graveyard outside again, where I can now hear something huge and heavy scuffling about off-camera. I leave before it can eat me.
8:13pm
I reward the friendly villager who murdered me earlier for his efforts by hitting him with my cane until he dies. Two more villagers are then given a stern paddling before they can brain me. I am unable to believe I have survived four encounters in a row. I am practically invincible.
8:19pm
I notice an especially obvious lever in the street and, assuming it will start a spontaenous werewolf party, I pull it. A ladder smashes to the pavement with enough force to crack the planet in half. Against my better judgement, I begin to climb it.
8:20pm
I make it halfway up the ladder before something screeches like a bald eagle being dropped into a vat of boiling water. The sound causes me to look inward and re-evaluate my gung-ho attitude when climbing any further ladders. Thankfully, there is a lantern at the top, saving my progress.
8:30pm
I discover a box of molotov cocktails. I know in my heart that the moment I try to use them, I will screw it up beyond belief.
8:36pm
I come across a gang of eight or nine men and manage to stealth my way pretty close to them. Right as I am lining up a devastating molotoving, I am brutally dissected by a cleaver-wielding villager from behind. I still do not know where he came from. (Death Count: 5)
8:45pm
I defy the odds and successfully slaughter most of the gang before facing down one last torch-bearing villager, not unlike the one who murdered me earlier. Feeling confident, I jab at him with my cane, missing entirely. I continue to flail uselessly at him. He rather casually pokes me with his torch and I instantly drop to the ground in flames. (Death Count: 6)
My adventure continues tomorrow night! Once again, let us know if you’d like to hear more on our Twitter account @videaugames.
Bloodborne is a PlayStation 4 exclusive developed by From Software.
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