I know what you’re thinking. “Ryan, didn’t you just write a review for 3 Headed Shark Attack? There’s even a link right here) Yes, I did. Call me a glutton for punishment. Someone has to do it!!
So this one isn’t so easy to explain if you can believe that. Bare with with me. So the general gist here is that Mega Shark is back (yes the same one from the other four “vs” movies) and terrorising people as per the norm. But elsewhere, a Soviet doomsday robot relic from the cold war named Kolossus (yeah that’s right, keep reading) has been activated and is on a path of destruction that will basically see him destroy the entire world.
Now here’s the thing. These very separate situations basically stay that way until the end of the film. It almost feels like they made two movies and just mashed them together. At least it would if not for the fact that there all of these characters who are meant to be focusing on one of the problems but keep ending up involved in the other one. It is a 101 on how not to spin a coherent narrative. And then there is actually a twist that no one saw coming because who in the hell cared enough about what was going on!?
Deep breath.
I just don’t really know how it’s possible to evoke confusion in a film about a robot and a giant shark. What is Asylum’s deal with sharks anyway? Have we gotten to the bottom of that?
The acting here is better than most of these films, although it isn’t saying a lot. It is still terrible and the dialogue doesn’t help. A majority of the running time is spent on two opposing factions arguing about how to best deal with the situation and in the end it all just sounds like noise.
Remember Mighty Morphin Power Rangers? Remember at the end of every episode there would be a big ol’ showdown between Megazord and a giant enemy? Remember when you grew up, you never thought you’d see anything that looked that bad again? Surprise! God Kolossus looks bad. And his eventual fight with Mega Shark is the most anti-climactic thing in cinema. There is a scene when he catches two planes, smashes them together like a 3 stooges routine and the resulting explosion engulfs the screen and it cuts away. It dawned on me right then and there that they utilise that tactic ALL THE TIME whenever something explodes in these movies. I can only assume that it’s to hide the cheap special effects and inability to convey a convincing smattering of vehicle parts and destruction. It makes you long for Micheal Bay.
There was a moment in Mega Shark vs. Kolossus though. A moment so god damn beautiful that words betray the very image. As the military attempts their last ditch effort to take down the warring beasts, they turn on a satellite sitting high above, beyond the earths atmosphere. And sensing their defeat, Kolossus picks up Mega Shark, twirls him around like a father that hasn’t seen his kids in a year, and he launches that sea creature into the far reaches of space and by god he destroys that satellite with an emphatic chomp.
I had goosebumps just writing that.
So anyway, Mega Shark vs. Kolossus is worse than the last Asylum movie I watched which is probably a pretty big honour for 3 Headed Shark Attack (congratulations by the way). There is nothing redeeming here. Apart from that one glorious scene but that’s what YouTube is for right?
*Note – I’m going to ask my editor if we give out 0 star reviews because I’m going to need them.
Film Review Score: ONE STAR (OUT OF FIVE)
Mega Shark vs. Kolossus is available now on DVD.
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